I finally got the thing! This thing:

Now, I must say that the thing is very awesome. It adds power, it monitors boost, it lets me use high octane gas, it hides pesky "You are poluting the environment stop it" lights, etc. All these things are awesome. But, in a completely beyond-the-call-of-duty, un-looked-for feature, it ALSO has somehow caused my car to stop burning oil.

That's right, it turns out that my oil burning issue was a software problem..