Well, it's official: I am unemployed. Here's my end-of-job checklist:
- Buy snazzy new portable hard drive
- Back up all of my work email, code, and designs onto snazzy new portable drive
- Pass off barely-started projects onto hapless other coworkers
- Hastily crap out confusing wiki page describing how future coworkers can do my job
- Check all in-progress work into the version control vault--- regardless of state of completion
- Attend awkward corporate halloween party
- Discover that HR official who will conduct my exit interview appears to be wearing a giant egyptian headress, and also wearing far too much lipstick for a man of his stature
- Later go to exit interview, only to discover that my badge has already been deactivated and I can't get into the HR building
- Sneak in anyway by taking advantage of the hilariously lax security policies
- Fill out exit-interview paperwork, including reaffirmation of the non-complete clause, no-raid clause, arbitration clause, confidentiality clause, and intellectual property clause that I don't remember signing when I "joined" the company
- Realize in retrospect that backing up my files constitutes a violation of at least 3 of the above clauses
- Yet again rehash my reasons for quitting with yet another management official
- On the way back to my desk, stop by the supply closet and spitefully steal a pen
- Compose (but do not yet send) the "farewell, suckers" email
- Walk around to everyone's desk to shake their hands
- But because it's 5:10 when I do this, most people are gone already
- Receive "Good Luck" wishes from my coworkers, shake hands, but also give "Good Luck... You'll Need It" wishes of my own.
- These wishes had varying levels of sincerity on both our parts, depending on the person
- Realize that at least a few people probably really hated my guts
- Realize that at least 3 of the people I shook hands with were sick
- Go to the bathroom and wash hands in scalding water before touching my laptop again
- Ponder how both the hand shaking and the hand washing are symbolic in their way
- Hit send on the "farewell" email and then shutdown the mail system before anyone can reply (vainly assuming that they would)
- Rain down file deletion ragnarok on my work computers to make sure future users do not find cruel emails, personal projects, pornography, etc.
- Log out for the last time
- Toss my badge on my boss's desk
- Grab my coffee mug
- Walk out the door
- Don't look back.
- Bye, everybody!
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