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Well, it's official: I am unemployed. Here's my end-of-job checklist:
  1. Buy snazzy new portable hard drive
  2. Back up all of my work email, code, and designs onto snazzy new portable drive
  3. Pass off barely-started projects onto hapless other coworkers
  4. Hastily crap out confusing wiki page describing how future coworkers can do my job
  5. Check all in-progress work into the version control vault--- regardless of state of completion
  6. Attend awkward corporate halloween party
  7. Discover that HR official who will conduct my exit interview appears to be wearing a giant egyptian headress, and also wearing far too much lipstick for a man of his stature
  8. Later go to exit interview, only to discover that my badge has already been deactivated and I can't get into the HR building
  9. Sneak in anyway by taking advantage of the hilariously lax security policies
  10. Fill out exit-interview paperwork, including reaffirmation of the non-complete clause, no-raid clause, arbitration clause, confidentiality clause, and intellectual property clause that I don't remember signing when I "joined" the company
  11. Realize in retrospect that backing up my files constitutes a violation of at least 3 of the above clauses
  12. Yet again rehash my reasons for quitting with yet another management official
  13. On the way back to my desk, stop by the supply closet and spitefully steal a pen
  14. Compose (but do not yet send) the "farewell, suckers" email
  15. Walk around to everyone's desk to shake their hands
  16. But because it's 5:10 when I do this, most people are gone already
  17. Receive "Good Luck" wishes from my coworkers, shake hands, but also give "Good Luck... You'll Need It" wishes of my own.
  18. These wishes had varying levels of sincerity on both our parts, depending on the person
  19. Realize that at least a few people probably really hated my guts
  20. Realize that at least 3 of the people I shook hands with were sick
  21. Go to the bathroom and wash hands in scalding water before touching my laptop again
  22. Ponder how both the hand shaking and the hand washing are symbolic in their way
  23. Hit send on the "farewell" email and then shutdown the mail system before anyone can reply (vainly assuming that they would)
  24. Rain down file deletion ragnarok on my work computers to make sure future users do not find cruel emails, personal projects, pornography, etc.
  25. Log out for the last time
  26. Toss my badge on my boss's desk
  27. Grab my coffee mug
  28. Walk out the door
  29. Don't look back.
  30. Bye, everybody!
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